The Romance Czar.
No, it's not Cupid with his signature bow and arrow. The speculation around Capitol Hill is that the President intends to tap Franck Eggelhoffer for the job.
Mr. Eggelhoffer could not be reached for comment, but an anonymous source close to the famed wedding planner issued the following statement: "Mr. Eggelhoffer would gwadwy sewve at the pweasure of the Pwesident - he's awso wilwing to become Fashion Czar to assist Michele with her accessowizing, if necessawy."
At this morning's press briefing, Mr Gibbs made the following short announcement: "It is the intention of the President to create the position of Romance Czar within his administration. The President feels very strongly on this issue, that it is vital to the national economy, and would provide balance to the Domestic Violence Czar. It is his belief that the two go hand-in-hand."
A White House aide, speaking on the condition of anonymity, gave AoftheA exclusive background on the Romance Czar. "Given the recent scandal of Governor Sanford's adulterous affair, Obama feels that if couples had the resources and time to get romantic, these things could be avoided. I mean, just look at the First Couple. Plays in New York, dates in Chicago, the late night romps down in the bowling all....uhhh, I probably shouldn't mention anything about those."
The highly publicized romantic dates had drawn ire from some in the press and plenty of conservatives, mainly because the bills were footed by the taxpayer. However, many people looked upon those dates positively, impressed that even amidst trying and stressful times, the First Couple made time just for themselves and dozens of secret service agents.
"Sure, some people grumbled about the dates," the anonymous aide said. "But those complaints were made by people who probably have no love life, or have been rejected by E-Harmony, or are stodgy conservatives. By creating the Romance Czar, the president hopes to increase awareness on the importance of romance, regardless of race, creed, gender or species."
Details are sketchy concerning the reach and scope of the position. Some studies have shown that lack of romance affects the poor and minorities more deeply than any other segment of the population. It's believed that the initial focus will concentrate in those areas.
"We're floating the idea of Romance Credits being issued to individuals who earn at or below 150% of the poverty level," the aide explained. "These are people who struggle to fit romance into their lives. The credits will be deposited directly into the account of their choosing on a monthly basis, with the expectation that they will be used for dates, babysitting, flowers, small gifts, movie-going. People spending money on their loved ones will help stimulate the economy...maybe more than just the economy, if you know what I mean."
Another idea being discussed is distributing DVD's of Sleepless in Seattle to each couple, but that's considered unlikely, for several reasons: Tom Hanks is a polarizing figure, Meg Ryan scores abysmally low in "hotness factor", and the movie also stars Rosie O'Donnell.
When asked how the Romance Czar intends to ensure that the Romance Credits will be used appropriately, the aide scoffed. "We're not going to pry into the lives of private citizens. We're not going there."
It's conceivable that Obamacorps members would be
As for individuals in the higher income brackets, there's little optimism for any substantial help. One lawmaker allegedly suggested allowing people to itemize their date expenses, but that idea was shot down quickly - "No lower taxes for rich people in this economy!" was the general response - however, there might be relief for those who purchase over-the-counter contraceptives.
"Here's the bottom line," the aide continued. "When people are in love, they're not going to be distracted by political things, like healthcare, or socialism, or North Korea, or climate change. They won't be thinking about their congressman or their senator. They'll just be thinking about the person they love, and they'll be happy. We believe, in the long run, that will be good for America, and very good for this administration."